Sunday Humor

Over the years there have been many collections of church bulletin bloopers.  Many of them have been included in my blogs.  But here is another list which includes both new ones and some shared before.  Hopefully you will get a few laughs here rather than in your Sunday service.

 

~ The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience. 

 

~ The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 

 

~ A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife. 

 

~ The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church. 

 

~ The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. 

 

~ Evening massage: 6 p.m. 

 

~ The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. 

 

~ The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession. 

 

~ Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study. 

 

~ Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door. 

 

~ Ushers will eat latecomers. 

 

~ The third verse of "Blessed Assurance" will be sung without musical accomplishment. 

 

~ Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience." 

 

~ Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice. 

 

~ Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All" 

 

~ The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her. 

 

~ In the church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD! Dr. Hargreaves is better. 

 

~ Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts... 

 

~ The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved...the final secretary gave a grief report.

 

~ For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs

~The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

~ The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

~ During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

~ Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.  It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.  Bring your husbands.

~ An announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals."

Western Computers

Here are some of the terms used by cowboys when working with computers.

First a brain twister for you:

What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

(Answer Below)

1. Log on - Make the wood stove hotter.

2. Log off - Don't add no more wood.

3. Monitor - Keep an eye on that wood stove.

4. Download - Getting the firewood off the truck.

6. Ram - The thing that splits the firewood.

7. Hard Drive - Getting home in the winter.

8. Prompt - What the mail ain't in the winter.

9. Window - What to shut when it's cold outside.

10. Screen - What to shut in black fly season.

11. Byte - What the black flies do.

12. Bit - What the black flies did.

13. Megabyte - What the BIG black flies do during trout season.

14. Chip - Munchies for TV.

15. Microchip - What's left in the bag after you eat the chips.

18. Laptop - Where your drink spills when you pass out.

19. Software - The dumb plastic knives and forks they give you at McDonalds.

20. Hardware - Real stainless steel cutlery.

21. Mouse - What makes the holes in the Cheerios box.

22. Mainframe - What holds the house up, hopefully.

23. Enter - The only way to win those magazine ad sweepstakes.

24. Web - What a spider makes.

25. Website - High corners of the ceiling and walls.

26. Cursor - Someone who swears.

27. Search Engine - What you do when the car dies.

28. Screen Saver - A repair kit for the torn window screen.

29. Home Page - A map you keep in your back pocket just in case you get lost in the woods.

30. Upgrade - Steep hill.

31. Server - A waitress.

32. Mail Server - A male waitress (very few in these parts).

35. User - The neighbor who keeps borrowing stuff.

36. Browser - A problem moose in the Garden or Blueberry Patch.

37. Network - Mending holes in the fishing net.

38. Internet - Complicated fish net repair method.

40. Online - A good sign that there'll be clean clothes next week.

41. Offline - The clothes pins let go and the laundry falls on the ground.

ANSWER TO BRAIN TWISTER

Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing

It Figures!

          You've heard of Murphy's famous Law: Everything that can go wrong will go wrong. I guess there is some truth to this.

          Computers have been an important part of my life for several decades.  Now I know I am probably in the minority, but I am an Apple/Mac fan.  They are easy to use. You just plug them in and get to work.  They aren't prone to get a virus.  But they are expensive.  I had to also get a pc when I was doing church finances, but I really didn't like it. I'm not a fan of Windows.

          Then about two years ago suddenly my Mac computers could no longer be upgraded to handle my browsers. I no longer could use many of my websites.  I suffered with this for many months and finally decided to give up and buy a new Mac.  So, I ordered one.

         Then Murphy's Law kicked in – the next day I heard on television that Apple is coming out with a new, updated line of computers.  Too late for me. Murphy'S Law I guess, figures!

          Well, there are many other related Laws. Here are some:

 

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

--Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair

Identical parts aren't.

--Beach's Law

Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner.

--Anthony's Law of the Workshop

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.

--Tussman's Law

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

--Lowery's Law

The solution to a problem changes the problem.

--Peer's Law

There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.

--William's Law

Handy Guide to Modern Science:

1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's Biology.

2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry.

3. If it doesn't work, it's Physics.

Machines should work. People should think.

--IBM's Pollyanna Principle

The most ineffective workers will be systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage - management.

--The Dilbert Principle

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.

--Ehrlich's Law

It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.

--Ralph's Observation

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

And then my favorite -

--Cannon's Comment - Cole's Law

Thinly sliced cabbage

 

News!

The news has some "interesting" items every day.  Here are a few examples from this past week.

1.   CHRISTIANS BEWARE
More persecution is on the way for Christians.  A school district in Arizona has elected three LGBT folks to their school board.  Now the district has made an announcement that Christians need not apply for district jobs because they will no longer be considered or hired.  I imagine this is just the start of intolerance in hiring against believers.

 

2.   MORAVIANS BEWARE

A committee of the Lititz Moravian Church has turned down an LGBT request to hold a second Pride Festival in Lititz Springs Park.  They haven't given a reason but I'm sure the festival held there last year was offensive to many church members and community members.  Now I'm sure the church will face many protests over their decision.  The LGBT activists and supporters will not go quietly and will probably come from all over to protest.

 

3.   LANCASTER SD SUPERINTENDENT
Lancaster has really made a mess out of its attempt to hire a new superintendent.  A committee interviewed and narrowed the choice to three, one of which is the acting superintendent.  Then they made a choice which upset many educators and residents.  Protests were organized by the teachers and the chosen person dropped out.  Why would he ever accept and come to a place where the teachers didn't want him.  Joseph Torres, an educator who organized the protests reacted by saying "I feel like things aligned with the universe."  An interesting word of wisdom.  Thanks to the universe.

 

4.   A"RISING" PERSON

Writers tend to take liberties when covering news.  One of the recent trends is to signify people as "rising".  Athletes are called "rising athletes, especially those in elementary school. Politicians are given the same rising labels as are many others.  Now what makes a person rising?  I know what yeast does, but rising elementary students?

 

5.  SENATOR FETTERMAN
Now it is so sad that Senator Fetterman suffered a serious stroke before his election.  Then he appears to have hidden the fact that he has been suffering from serious depression.  He is being treated in the hospital.  And the liberal political machine is back in action after getting him elected when he was not fully capable to handle the position.  Now they are saying that he can do the job of a senator from the hospital.  Really?  Is that job so simple that a depressed stroke survivor can do it from the hospital?  Maybe that is one of the reasons our country is in such bad shape.
          Now will it get better?  Well I just heard the news that Doug Mastriano who lost big in the contest for PA governor is planning to run against Casey for his senate seat. Unless an electable candidate decides to run against Casey, there is no chance for any change.

6.   THE PRESIDENT'S PHILOSOPHY

President Biden revealed his budget in a speech this week in Philadelphia.  He introduced some of his plans by stating that he wants everyone to have the same chance.  That means tax the rich and give to the poor. That includes eliminating the college debts of those who borrowed way beyond their means and requiring those of us who worked to pay our debts to now pay their debts.  Somehow that sounds like socialism to me.

Well that's enough for one week.

Heart Attack?

          What do you do if you think you could be having a heart attack?  Do you wait to see if your symptoms improve?  Do you call the ambulance?  Do you just pray about it?  If you are wise, you choose both choices two and three.  But most of the time we'd much rather choose suggestion one.

          Yesterday I was faced with this decision.  We were expecting company and I was doing some work on my computer.  Suddenly I became very dizzy.  I tried to get up and the world was swimming.  It didn't seem to improve so I told Dianne to call the folks who were coming and cancel their visit.

          Then I decided to take my blood pressure.  It was extremely high and I decided that I needed help.  I reluctantly told my wife to call the ambulance.  She did and we tried to get ready for their arrival.  Now besides being concerned about my heart, I dreaded the ride in the ambulance.  The streets in Lancaster are terrible and I'm not sure if the ambulances have shock absorbers.  Then there is the ER.  We've had bad experiences there - long waits with crowds of sick people and then being placed in the hall because they didn't have enough rooms.

          Well, the ambulance ride wasn't disappointing.  It was terrible.  If you didn't have a problem before the ride, you could develop one during the ride.  But the attendants were very nice and comforting.

         Then came a major surprise.  Several million dollars had been spent on remodeling the ER.  While I didn't need it, my wife found plenty of convenient parking.  The entrance area was modern, clean and well marked.  Attendants quickly helped her find me.

          I was actually placed in a private room with modern equipment.  I especially liked the large monitor which identified, with pictures, those who were working on me.  Every time a test was ordered by the doctor it was indicated on the monitor.  When it was completed that was noted.  And as a patient you could follow where you were in the process rather than just waiting for something to happen.  In past visits it was common to lie there and wait not knowing if anyone was even working on your case.

          The only problem I had was that my two nurses both were unable to start my IV.  They finally decided to call for the IV team which took an hour to get there.  At that point the doctor decided to just skip the IV treatment.

          Now thankfully they did not find any heart related issues.  But they did decide that I had another severe urinary infection.  Now I've had many of these during the past years.  I've even been to the ER a few times with these.  But, as I told the doctor, none of them were ever like this one. My symptoms were always different.  But he had an explanation and I hope he knew what he was doing.

          So after about four hours they sent me home.  I still do not feel 100% but at least I am home.   I guess I'll know more in a few days.

          But I can still use option three – pray.  And I have been doing that.  When I had open heart surgery a few years ago, I spent the night before praying and the Lord answered and gave peace.  The same thing is happening once again.

 

What a treasure I have in this wonderful peace,


Buried deep in the heart of my soul,


So secure that no power can mine it away,


While the years of eternity roll!

Peace, peace, wonderful peace,


Coming down from the Father above!


Sweep over my spirit forever, I pray


In fathomless billows of love!

  I am resting tonight in this wonderful peace,


Resting sweetly in Jesus' control;


For I'm kept from all danger by night and by day,


And His glory is flooding my soul!

Peace, peace, wonderful peace,


Coming down from the Father above!


Sweep over my spirit forever, I pray


In fathomless billows of love!