THE POINTS SYSTEM

 

For all of us guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Simple Duties: You make the Bed.....................+1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.........0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.......................-1 You leave the toilet seat up......................................-5 You replace the toilet paper roll when it's empty..................0 When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.......-1 When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2 You check out a suspicious noise at night .....................0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...............0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's something...........+5 You pummel it with a six iron................................+10 It's her father.............................................-10 Her Birthday: You take her out to dinner..................................0 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1 Okay, it is a sports bar..................................-2 And it's all-you-can-eat night.............................-3 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..................-10 A Night Out With The Boys: Go out with a pal .........................................-5 And the pal is happily married ............................-4 Or frighteningly single ...................................-7 And he drives a Mustang..................................-10 A Night Out: You take her to a movie.........................................+2 You take her to a movie she likes..............................+4 You take her to a movie you hate...............................+6 You take her to a movie you like................................-2 It's called DeathCop 3..........................................-3 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15 Your Physique: You develop a noticeable potbelly...............................-15 You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10 You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts....................................-30 You say "I don't give a darn because you have one too"........-800 The Big Question: She asks, "Do I look fat?" .....................................-5 You hesitate in responding.....................................-10 You reply, "Where?".............................................-35 Communication: When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression...............................0 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..........+5 You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10 She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...............-20

BUYING AN AGING THOROUGHBRED

A women was considering buying an aging thoroughbred but wanted a veterinarian's opinion of the horse before finalizing her deal.

When the vet had completed his examination, she asked, "Will I be able to race him?"

The veterinarian looked at the woman, then at the horse. "Sure," he replied, "and you'll probably win!"

SOMEONE IS KNOCKING

 

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. 

All went well until he came one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.

Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20 " and stuck it in the door.

The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message as notation "Genesis 3:10".

Revelation 3:20 reads:
"Behold, I stand at the door and knock.  If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he will with me."

Genesis 3:10 reads:
"And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

A TRIP TO THE HOLY LAND

A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost one hundred dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee.

"Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20."

"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord Himself walked."

"Well, at $100 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder He walked." 

VICAR'S SURPRISE

A rich man went to his vicar and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you." The vicar accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to the Middle East. Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new church built. "It's the finest building money can buy, vicar," said the man. "No expense was spared." And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in. But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and it was at the very back. "A church with only one pew?" asked the vicar. "You just wait until Sunday," the rich man said. When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reached the front of the church, it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back. "Wonderful!" said the vicar, "Marvelous!" The service began, and the vicar started to preach his sermon. He launched into his text and, when 12 o'clock came, he was still going strong, with no end in sight. Suddenly a bell rang, and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open. "Wonderful!" said the congregation, "Marvelous!"