18 Years

Eighteen years ago this weekend we experienced a weekend that we'll never forget. On Friday, November 5, 1993, we visited my mother to wish her a happy birthday. She was 72 that day. Thank the Lord, most of our family was able to do the same that day and that didn't always happen. That weekend Dianne's mother was very ill in the Sunbury Hospital. We had tickets on Saturday for the Penn State - Indiana football game, so we decided to go to the game and then return to Selinsgrove to spend the night and visit Dianne's mother in the hospital. When we got to Selinsgrove after the game, my father-in-law told me that I had to immediately call my oldest son because there had been an accident. When I reached Craig he gave me the bad news that my parents were in an auto accident and that my mother was killed instantly. My dad was in the hospital. In shock, we immediately left and headed for LGH in Lancaster. There we met with our family as the news was confirmed. The next few days were a blur as we made funeral plans and waited for dad to be released from the hospital. Those days were filled with pain but also resulted in times of special closeness for our family. We all still miss her so much and still feel at times like we need to call her to share what is happening in our lives. Now 18 years have gone and in February of 2009 mother and dad were reunited in their glorious home in heaven. Three months later, my brother, Terry, joined them. During these years I have been challenged by my father's life without mother. He missed her, but his confidence was in the Lord. I was challenged by my brother's testimony as he suffered with cancer. His confidence was also in the Lord. But there were four key lessons that I've learned about dealing with folks who are dealing with death. First, personal remembrances about the life of the deceased, written in sympathy cards, are really meaningful to those left behind, both at the time of death and later as well. It helped me to know how my family members had touched the lives of others. Second, don't quote scriptures about how those in heaven are rejoicing at the death of a believer. I believe that they are, but this is absolutely no help at the time to one dealing with the grief of losing a loved one. It's like saying, "Why are you crying because those in heaven are rejoicing?" That's almost like a slap in the face to those who are grieving. Third, don't say "I know how you feel". Maybe you did go through the death of a loved one, but you probably don't really know how a person feels or you wouldn't say such things. I wanted to say, "Was your mother suddenly killed in an auto crash by a teenager who ran a light rushing to work?" Probably not. And the fourth, and maybe the most important thing, don't say, "If I can be of any help, please let me know". 99% of the time that is just a cop out and you really don't mean it. We got so tired of hearing that when mother died, that we replied, "Just take dad out for a meal since he'll be lonely". Very few did. Dad's needs were soon forgotten by most. One of the biggest memories of those days was the family who knew we had many leaves to gather at our house. They unexpectedly showed up while we were away and raked them all up for us. They did a better job than we would have. They didn't just tell us to call if we had a need. They knew we wouldn't. Instead, they just showed up and met an unspoken need. Eighteen years later that good deed still stands out in our minds. Thank you Spedden family. Based on my personal experiences during these times, I now pray for wisdom, strength and peace for folks going through these difficult experiences. God did grant that for me and that is what I really needed from Him. Sometimes 18 years seems like an eternity and other times it seems like just yesterday. Their absence still hurts and I miss all three of them. But I would never wish them back. They are in a far better place and I am thankful for that. God is so good.