Phone Menus

          Isn't it "fun" when you are trying to reach somebody on the phone and you first get a whole menu of options which you must listen to so that you can eventually navigate to the person you need to talk to?  Often it can become an Anxiety Hotline, especially if you are in a hurry.
          And often one of the biggest challenges is trying to find a way to actually talk to a real person about your problem.  Then when you finally find the right way to get to a real person you often end up with a message that says "I am out of my office. Please leave your number and I will get back to you as soon as I can" (maybe when they get back from vacation).
         Well for those of us who get bothered by these phone menus, recently I came upon the choices for a real Anxiety Hotline.  How would you like to be greeted by the following choices?
          If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
          If you are co-dependent, please ask somebody to press 2 for you.
          If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
          If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.  Stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
          If you are delusional, press 7 so that your call can be transferred to the mother ship.
          If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
          If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
          If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969.
          If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on line.
          If you have amnesia, press 8, and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
          If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
          If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep.  Please wait for the beep.
          If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.  If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.  If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
          If you have low esteem, please hang up.  All of our operators are too busy to talk to you.