Barry L. Kauffman, 84

May 13, 2025

Barry went home to be with the Lord on May 13, 2025.

THE POINTS SYSTEM

 

For all of us guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Simple Duties: You make the Bed.....................+1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.........0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.......................-1 You leave the toilet seat up......................................-5 You replace the toilet paper roll when it's empty..................0 When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.......-1 When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2 You check out a suspicious noise at night .....................0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...............0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's something...........+5 You pummel it with a six iron................................+10 It's her father.............................................-10 Her Birthday: You take her out to dinner..................................0 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1 Okay, it is a sports bar..................................-2 And it's all-you-can-eat night.............................-3 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..................-10 A Night Out With The Boys: Go out with a pal .........................................-5 And the pal is happily married ............................-4 Or frighteningly single ...................................-7 And he drives a Mustang..................................-10 A Night Out: You take her to a movie.........................................+2 You take her to a movie she likes..............................+4 You take her to a movie you hate...............................+6 You take her to a movie you like................................-2 It's called DeathCop 3..........................................-3 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15 Your Physique: You develop a noticeable potbelly...............................-15 You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10 You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts....................................-30 You say "I don't give a darn because you have one too"........-800 The Big Question: She asks, "Do I look fat?" .....................................-5 You hesitate in responding.....................................-10 You reply, "Where?".............................................-35 Communication: When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression...............................0 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..........+5 You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10 She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...............-20

BUYING AN AGING THOROUGHBRED

A women was considering buying an aging thoroughbred but wanted a veterinarian's opinion of the horse before finalizing her deal.

When the vet had completed his examination, she asked, "Will I be able to race him?"

The veterinarian looked at the woman, then at the horse. "Sure," he replied, "and you'll probably win!"

SOMEONE IS KNOCKING

 

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. 

All went well until he came one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.

Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20 " and stuck it in the door.

The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message as notation "Genesis 3:10".

Revelation 3:20 reads:
"Behold, I stand at the door and knock.  If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he will with me."

Genesis 3:10 reads:
"And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

A TRIP TO THE HOLY LAND

A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost one hundred dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee.

"Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20."

"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord Himself walked."

"Well, at $100 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder He walked." 

VICAR'S SURPRISE

A rich man went to his vicar and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you." The vicar accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to the Middle East. Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new church built. "It's the finest building money can buy, vicar," said the man. "No expense was spared." And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in. But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and it was at the very back. "A church with only one pew?" asked the vicar. "You just wait until Sunday," the rich man said. When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reached the front of the church, it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back. "Wonderful!" said the vicar, "Marvelous!" The service began, and the vicar started to preach his sermon. He launched into his text and, when 12 o'clock came, he was still going strong, with no end in sight. Suddenly a bell rang, and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open. "Wonderful!" said the congregation, "Marvelous!"

 

PONDERISMS

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.  

Can you cry under water?  

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?  

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it’s only a "penny for your thoughts"?  Where's that extra penny going?  (taxes?)  

If you get to heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for all eternity?  

What disease did cured ham actually have?  

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?  

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up, like, every two hours?  

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?  

Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?  

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?  

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?  They're going to see you naked anyway.  

Why is “bra" singular and "panties" plural?  

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no normal human being would eat?  

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?  

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?  

If olive oil is made from olives, corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?  

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?  

Why do the Alphabet Song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same melody?  

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?  

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?  
 
HOW DID THE PERSON WHO MADE THE FIRST CLOCK, KNOW WHAT TIME IT WAS?

 

BARGAIN HEARING AIDS

Morris had long suspected that his hearing wasn't quite what it used to be. Friends often had to repeat themselves, and he found himself nodding along to conversations he could barely follow. It was time, he realised, to invest in a hearing aid. However, Morris, known for his frugality, was reluctant to part with a substantial sum of money. Determined to find a bargain, he headed to the local hearing aid store.

Upon entering the store, Morris was greeted by a friendly salesperson. "How much do they cost?" he inquired, hoping for a modest price tag. The salesperson, with a knowing smile, replied, "That depends. They run from $2.00 to $2,000." Morris, ever the penny-pincher, was intrigued by the mention of a $2.00 model. "Let's see the $2.00 model," he said, his curiosity piqued.

The salesperson, amused by Morris's request, obliged by presenting the budget model. He carefully placed the device around Morris' neck and explained, "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket." Morris examined the contraption, unsure of its effectiveness. "How does it work?" he asked.

With a twinkle in his eye, the salesperson answered, "For $2.00 it doesn't work. But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"

LIFE CHANGES

How has my life changed since I have become handicapped?  Of course the big change has been the inability to walk.  Most of my life I have been a regular walker -usually in the mornings before work and on weekends.  I really miss these times.

I miss going to church and being with friends,  I enjoy the live streams and I am thankful for that.   But since they seldom show the congregation I miss much of what is happening with the congregation.

I miss going to s restaurant.  I haven't been to one for several years.  Oh how I miss going to Chick-filet or even Burger King for that matter.   Those are just memories now.

Believe it or not.  I miss going to my study and my desk.  My wheelchair won't fit down the hallway.  That's been hard but thankfully there is technology that helps me get to some of my work.

I miss driving.  I need a driver and caretaker every time I need to go a doctor.  It is often hard to find help.

It is often lonely and the days can be long with  little to do.  Friends have their own plans and agendas.  Television is boring. And I am limited in what I can do.

It is nearly impossible to go shopping and complete jobs that at one time were simple to do without help.

Naps are now easy to take but then I can't sleep at night.

I can no longer go to basketball games or wrestling matches or musicals, and I do miss that.

Vacations are a thing of the past.  Oh how I'd love to go Ocean City Maryland once again.

Personal care assistance can be a challenge and help is usually needed.

Newspapers and mail are now very hard to get without help.

But despite the changes, God has not changed.  He continues to be faithful and all that we need.  He provides what we need and our trust remains in Him.

Beat!, beat! beat!

 It was ten years ago and my wife was having trouble with a heart murmur.  The doctors ordered a pacemaker which was installed without any problem.  It solved the problem.   And all we had to monitor all these years we monitored it electronically.  That meant using a device to record her heart activity.  Then it would search for a cell tower and transmit the results to the hospital for interpretation.  And that was the normal routine.  Rather amazing!

This time we received a call to make an appointment to have her battery replaced.  We wanted to wait until June to have this done.  That was upsetting since we plan to move then but they couldn't do it sooner.  So we figured we'd wait and the Lord would work it out.   And he did!  Two days later they called and scheduled her for February. 18.  Again, amazing.  But not when God is in charge.

So on February 18, my son took her in at 6:00 am.  And by 11 she was done with a brand new pacer..  PTL it went fine and hopefully this will outlast the first one.  Another God thing!

REALLY SHORT SIGHTED

Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.

-- "Popular Mechanics," forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
-- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
-- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

This "telephone" has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.
-- Western Union internal memo, 1876.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
-- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a "C," the idea must be feasible.
-- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.

I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.
-- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
-- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.
-- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

So we went to Atari and said, "Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you." And they said, "No." So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, "Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet."
-- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

This fellow Charles Lindbergh will never make it. He's doomed.
-- Harry Guggenheim, millionaire aviation enthusiast.

Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.
-- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.
-- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances.
-- Dr. Lee De Forest, inventor of the vacuum tube and father of television.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

-- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899. 

A Very Sad Story

 As I've been trying to downsize, this has been forcing me to review my library of hundreds of books.  Most of them are headed to a book sale held by a local church to raise money for missionaries.  While I hate to see my collection go, I know that it is helping a good project.

A few days ago I found a book that I haven't read in several years. "Life Together" was penned by Robert Wyble, a former coworker and friend.  For many years we worked together on administrative staffs of two local high schools.  We became close friends.

But a good life took a sad turn when Bob's wife began to develop signs of Alzheimer's disease.  The book then becomes a story of their battle with this deadly disease.  Bob became her caretaker and eventually had to care for all her functions.  And he did so up until the time she eventually died in his arms. It brought tears to my eyes.  The story has the result that most spouses fear.

My disappointment is that I didn't know much of what they were going through while it was happening.

Speeding Juggler

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding.  As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car.

"What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.

"I'm a juggler," the man replied.  "I use those in my act."

"Well, show me," the officer requested.

So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.

Another car passed by. 

The driver did a double take, and said, "I've got to give up drinking!  Look at the test they're giving now."

FLY EAGLES FLY

 CONGRATULATIONS EAGLES FOR A SUPER WIN!  ENJOY THE PARADE TODAY!  I hope to watch at home.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

My wife sat me down and told me how important Valentine's Day is to her.
She must have something really awesome planned for us.

---

Did you hear about the man who bought his girlfriend beads for an abacus for Valentine's Day?
It's the little things that count.

---

A wife called her husband and said, "Three women in the office just received beautiful flowers for Valentine's Day! They are absolutely gorgeous!"
The husband replied, "Well, that's probably why they got flowers."

---

Did you hear about the person who used to open so many cards on Valentine's Day?
Eventually, the post office fired him for it.

---

The wife said to the husband, "For Valentine's Day, nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace."
So, he got her nothing.

-- 

ACTUAL ELEMENTARY SCHOOL EXCUSE NOTES

"Jerry was at his grandmother's yesterday, and she did not bring him to school because Jerry couldn't remember where the school was."

* "Ronnie would not finish his work last night. He said his brain was too tired of spelling."

* "Eric hurt his knee in a karate tournament over the weekend. He won his age group, but was in too much pain to do his math assignment."

* "Amy did not do her homework last night because we went out to a party and did not get home until late. If she is tired, please let her sleep during recess time."

* "Henry stayed home because he had a stomach ache from eating too much frosting."

* "It was my fault Mike did not do his math homework last night. His pencil broke and we do not have a pencil sharpener at home."

* "Scott didn't practice last night because he lost his tooth in the mouthpiece of his trumpet."

* "Diane was late on Wednesday. She fell asleep on the bus and was taken back to the bus yard."

* "Cody was absent yesterday because we were out bowling until 2 AM."

* "Tommy wasn't in school yesterday because he thought it was Saturday."

REALLY STUPID LAWS

All of the following laws are real. (Apparently, they were passed long ago and nobody ever got around to nipping them in the bud.)

California
It is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license.

Women may not drive in a house coat.

New Jersey
You cannot pump your own gas.

All gas stations are full service only.

In Ocean City, it is against the law to slurp your soup at a restaurant.

New York
It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.

The penalty for jumping off a building is death.

Florida
It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.

Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

Ohio
Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.

It is illegal to get a fish drunk.

Kansas
Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights.

No one may catch fish with his bare hands.

Oklahoma
Violators can be arrested and/or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.

State law prohibits anyone taking a bite out of another's hamburger.

Alabama
It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.

Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.

Wisconsin
In Racine, it is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep.

Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons.

Virginia
It is illegal to sell peanut brittle on Sundays.

Flipping a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for coffee is outlawed.

TOP INSPIRATIONAL MESSAGES NOT HEARD AT WORK

(17) There is no "I" in "teamwork"...But there is in "management kiss-up". (16) If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday. (15) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. (14) Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done.  Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security. (13) If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition. (12) Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they did it by killing all those who oppose them. (11) We put the "k" in "kwality". (10) 2 days without a human rights violation. (9) Your job is STILL better than asking "You want fries with that?". (8) We build great products when we feel like it and don't have any reason to call in sick. (7) If at first you don't succeed, try management. (6) Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself. (5) The beatings will continue until morale improves. (4) Pride, Commitment, Teamwork.  Words we use to get you to work for free. (3) If at first you don't succeed, delegate it. (2) Plagiarism saves time... And the #1 Inspirational Message Never Heard At Work: (1) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.