REALLY STUPID LAWS

All of the following laws are real. (Apparently, they were passed long ago and nobody ever got around to nipping them in the bud.)

California
It is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license.

Women may not drive in a house coat.

New Jersey
You cannot pump your own gas.

All gas stations are full service only.

In Ocean City, it is against the law to slurp your soup at a restaurant.

New York
It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.

The penalty for jumping off a building is death.

Florida
It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.

Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

Ohio
Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.

It is illegal to get a fish drunk.

Kansas
Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights.

No one may catch fish with his bare hands.

Oklahoma
Violators can be arrested and/or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.

State law prohibits anyone taking a bite out of another's hamburger.

Alabama
It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.

Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.

Wisconsin
In Racine, it is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep.

Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons.

Virginia
It is illegal to sell peanut brittle on Sundays.

Flipping a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for coffee is outlawed.

TOP INSPIRATIONAL MESSAGES NOT HEARD AT WORK

(17) There is no "I" in "teamwork"...But there is in "management kiss-up". (16) If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday. (15) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. (14) Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done.  Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security. (13) If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition. (12) Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they did it by killing all those who oppose them. (11) We put the "k" in "kwality". (10) 2 days without a human rights violation. (9) Your job is STILL better than asking "You want fries with that?". (8) We build great products when we feel like it and don't have any reason to call in sick. (7) If at first you don't succeed, try management. (6) Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself. (5) The beatings will continue until morale improves. (4) Pride, Commitment, Teamwork.  Words we use to get you to work for free. (3) If at first you don't succeed, delegate it. (2) Plagiarism saves time... And the #1 Inspirational Message Never Heard At Work: (1) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Mergatroyd ? Do you remember that word?

 

Mergatroyd ? Do you remember that word? Would you believe the spell-checker did not recognize the word, Mergatroyd? Heavens to Mergatroyd! The other day a not so elderly (maybe 75 years old) lady said something to her son about driving a Jalopy; and he looked at her quizzically and said, "What the heck is a Jalopy?" He had never heard of the word jalopy! She knew she was old ...But not that old. Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory when you read this and chuckle. About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology and language. These phrases included: Don't touch that dial; Carbon copy; You sound like a broken record; and Hung out to dry.  Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. We'd put on our best bib and tucker, to straighten up and fly right. Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers! Jumping Jehoshaphat! Holy Moley!  We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley; and even a regular guy couldn't accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China! Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when's the last time anything was swell? Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes, and pedal pushers. Oh, my aching back! Kilroy was here, but he isn't anymore. We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, "Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle!" or, "This is a fine kettle of fish!" we discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent, as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards. Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we've left behind. We blink, and they're gone. Where have all those great phrases gone? Long gone: Pshaw, The milkman did it. Hey! It's your nickel. Don't forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper. Well, Fiddlesticks! Going like sixty. I'll see you in the funny papers. Don't take any wooden nickels. Wake up and smell the roses. It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter has liver pills. This can be disturbing stuff! (Carter's Little Liver Pills are gone too!) Leaves us to wonder where Superman will find a phone booth. See ya later, alligator! Okidoki. ... You'll notice they left out "Monkey Business"!!!

Last Words Heard

Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation  in heaven They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" ** The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great  doctor of my time, and a great family man." **The sec  ond guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful  husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our  children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!"

curious one-liners

Curious Oneliners  1.. Recessions are started by people who fear recessions.

2.  The real cause of divorce is marriage.3.   When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.4. Recession: A period when you go without things your grandparents never heard of.5.  I chose the path less traveled, but only because I was lost.6.  Don't judge people by their relatives.  7.  You can pick your friends, but not your family.8.  Not he, who has much, is rich, but he who gives much.9.  Work when you should and play all the time.10.  The police can do a search if it's warranted.11.  Join the IRS! Be Audit You Can Be!12. Life is really like a shower. One wrong turn and you're in hot water.13.  A woman who dresses to kill probably cooks the same way. 

confusion

     If you are a regular reader of my two blogs you probably have noticed some confusion recently.  Some of this is a result of computer problems which have often been hard to correct.  Some of this is probably related to some physical challenges I am facing.  It has been difficult to maintain these blogs with these new challenges.   So I don't know what the future holds but I want to thank you for your past support and prayers.

Sick Daughter

          A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
          The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God to send her help.
          Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
          She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
          He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."
          The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
          The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, thank you, God ! You even sent me a Professional!"