Headlines

          Much of my life was spent working on newspapers.  I've worked on the editorial staffs of the Lancaster Sunday News, the Sunbury Daily Item, the Lancaster Intelligencer Journal and the Lititz Record Express. The experience I gained during a variety of assignments was invaluable.

          Only the Lititz Record Express provided me with the experience of writing headlines.  This was always a challenge since you needed to summarize the article in just a few words.

          Over the years many newspapers have failed in the creation of their headlines.  Here are some of those that didn't do too well.

 

·        Barbershop singers bring joy to school for deaf

      *     Bridges help people cross rivers

      *.    City unsure why sewer smells

      *.    17 remain dead in morgue shooting spree

      *.    Starvation can lead to health hazards

      *.    Man accused of killing lawyer receives a new attorney

      *.    Parents keep kids home to protest school closure

      *.    Hospitals resort to hiring doctors

      *.    Federal agents raid gun shop, find weapons

      *.    Total lunar eclipse will be broadcast live on Northwoods public radio

      *.    Diana was still alive hours before she died

      *.    Meeting on open meetings is closed

      *.    New sick policy requires 2-day notice 

      *.    Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25

      *.    Bugs flying around with wings are flying bugs

      *.    Study shows frequent sex enhances pregnancy chances

      *.    Marijuana issue sent to a joint committee

      *.    Worker suffers leg pain after crane drops 800-pound ball on his head.

 

          If biblical events were being covered by today's media you might get the following headlines

 

On Red Sea crossing:

WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE

Enforcement Officials Killed While Pursuing Unruly Mob

 

On David vs. Goliath:

HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION OF RELIEF TROOPS

Psychologist Questions Significance of Rock Used as Weapon

 

On the prophet Elijah on Mt. Carmel:

FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS ACTIVIST INTO FRENZY

400 Killed In Unprovoked Attack

 

On the birth of Christ:

HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS EJECTED FROM SHELTER

Animal Rights Advocates Enraged by Insensitive Couple

 

On feeding the 5,000:

LAY PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH

Disciples Mystified Over Behavior

 

On healing the 10 lepers:

QUACK PREYS ON TERMINALLY ILL

Authorities Investigating Use of Non-traditional Medical Procedure

 

On healing of the two demon-possessed men in Gadarenes:

MADMAN CAUSES STAMPEDE

Local Farmer Faces Bankruptcy After Loss of Hogs

 

On raising Lazarus from the dead:

ITINERANT PREACHER RAISES STINK

Will Now Being Contested by Lawyers of Heirs

 

          So read your newspaper today but be careful about interpreting the headlines.