Enough Is Enough!

During the last three weeks we have participated in activities involving the deaths of eight of our acquaintances and because of physical problems there could even be several more in the weeks ahead. I had commented on this experience in a recent blog, but today I want to share with you some observations and personal opinions that have resulted from these experiences. First, it continues to bother me that folks will come to a visitation just minutes before the service is to begin and expect to still visit the family. It is rude and not fair to the family who must prepare themselves for the emotional service ahead. It isn't fair to those who've come on time and now must sit and wait for the service to begin. How should you deal with such inconsiderate folks? Announce the visitation time to end 15 minutes before the service is to begin and then cut the line off when it reaches the point where folks can no longer get through the line in the allotted time. A related problem is those in line who expect to spend 5 or 10 minutes greeting family members while other stand and wait. Offer your sympathy and quick memories and move on. If you want to say more, visit them or take them out for a meal a few weeks later when everybody forgets them and loneliness really sinks in. And then there are the greetings themselves. Please don't use the Christian "cop out" that "I'm praying for you" - unless you really are. And don't say that "if there is anything I can do for you, please let me know". That sounds so noble but you know you aren't going to be asked for help by the grieving person. Instead, take them out for dinner a few weeks later or drop by their house to do some errands. Take your mouth out of gear and put your legs into motion. And please don't quote Psalm 116:15 "Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints." This certainly is true, but it hurts and isn't much comfort when a loved one has just been taken away, especially if the grieved are questioning why the death has happened. The knowledge and impact of this truth will come later to those who are grieved. I also get bothered about the hundreds of dollars spent on flowers which are often left to decay after the service. I used to dig graves at a cemetery in Sunbury and would watch beautiful expensive flowers just rot on the closed graves. Instead, give to a memorial fund that the family designates - but as financial secretary of our church I know that few people ever do this. Maybe it just isn't as "showy" as a large basket of flowers. Then there is the funeral service itself. I do think the pastor should build the service around the wishes of the departed or their loved ones - that makes it more memorable. But I personally don't care for an "open mike". I've seen all sorts of things happen with this. Sometimes nobody has anything to say - embarrassing. Sometimes folks folks talk forever - boring. We were at one recently where the comments went on for well over an hour. Sometimes I think participants just want to call attention to themselves and what they did for the departed. And there are times when the speaker gets so emotional that nobody knows what they are trying to save - this also happened at a funeral we attended recently. It is good to hear personal reflections but it would be much better to have the speakers planned ahead of time or to have comments submitted before the service for the pastor to read. Then there are differences in the way funeral directors run things. For example, I think it is terrible when the family must close the casket with mourners watching. That should be a private time. We were at a funeral recently where the funeral director asked the mourners in the sanctuary to be quiet while they waited for the family to be seated. Unfortunately everyone stopped talking, the music stopped, and we could then hear the family crying as they closed the casket behind us. That was uncomfortable and unnecessary. And finally, we attended a viewing of the father-in-law of a friend of ours. When we left we didn't take one of the funeral folders because we didn't really know the man and didn't want or need one. The funeral director apparently thought that was terrible of us and she questioned us at length about who we were and why we were there when we tried to leave without one. That was really none of her business. We finally "escaped", without a folder. When we got to our car I told my wife that we should have told her that we were just visiting funeral homes this week to look at dead people. Now would that have been good funeral etiquette?