How Cold Is It?

We have experienced very low temperatiures the last few weeks.  It must be part of that global warming we hear so much about.  But here is a guide to what happens at various temperatures in degrees Fahrenheit.

+50   New York tenants turn on the heat and Thunder Bayites plant gardens

+40  Californians shiver uncontrollably and Canadians sunbathe

+35  Italian cars don't start

+32  Distilled water freezes

+30  You can see your breath, You plan a vacation in Florida, Politicians begin to worry about the homeless, Thunder Bayites eat ice cream

+25  Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you

+20  Cleveland water freezes, San Franciscans start thinking favourably of LA, Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts

+15  You plan a vacation in Acapulco, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you, Thunder Bayites go swimming

+10  Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, Too cold to snow, You need jumper cables to get the car going

0  New York landlords turn on the heat, Sheboygan brats grilled on the patio

-5  You can hear your breath, You plan a vacation in Hawaii

-10  American cars don't start, Too cold to skate

-15  You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Miamians cease to exist, Canadians lick flagpoles

-20  Cat insists on sleeping in your pyjamas with you, Politicians actually do something about the homeless, People in LaCrosse think about taking down screens

-25  Too cold to kiss, You need jumper cables to get the driver going, Japanese cars don't start, Milwaukee Brewers head for spring training

-30  You plan a two-week hot bath, Thunder Bayites shovel snow off roof

-38  Mercury freezes, Too cold to think, Canadians button top button

-40  Californians disappear, Car insists on sleeping in your bed with you, Thunder Bayites put on sweaters

-50  Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window, Green Bay Packers practice indoors

-60  Walruses abandon Aleutian, Sign on Mount St. Helens: "Closed for the Season", Thunder Bayites put gloves away and take out mittens, Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby

-70  Glaciers in Central Park, Hudson residents replace diving boards with hockey nets, Green Bay snowmobilers organize trans-lake race to Sault Ste. Marie

-80  Polar bears abandon Baffin Island, Girl Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby

-90  Edge of Antarctica reaches Rio de Janeiro, Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles, Minnesotans migrate to Wisconsin thinking it MUST be warmer

-100  Santa Claus abandons North Pole, Canadians pull down earflaps

-173  Ethyl alcohol freezes

-297  Oxygen precipitates out of atmosphere, Microbial life survives only on dairy products

-445  Superconductivity

-452  Helium becomes a liquid

-454  Hell freezes over

-456  Illinois drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-90

-458  Incumbent politician renounces a campaign contribution

-460  All atomic motion ceases, Canadians allow as to how it's getting a mite nippy.